


Into the Unknown

by sadpendragon



Series: The Once and Future Queen [2]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, Gen, Golden Age, Magic Revealed, Post-Canon, Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-09
Updated: 2021-01-09
Packaged: 2021-03-13 08:00:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,442
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28650177
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sadpendragon/pseuds/sadpendragon
Summary: As she admired her healthy bouquet of roses, she noticed someone else watching. Merlin was pretending to look over some papers, but he wasn’t really. Gwen had noticed he’d been watching her lately,studying… What he hoped to find, she did not know. But she was long accustomed to her friend’s strangeness. Though now that she knew about the magic, really he shouldn't be acting likethat.“What is it, Merlin? Do I have a gigantic stain on my dress, is that it?”He lets out a quiet chuckle, his eyes fixed on the ground now. When his face turned serious again, he fixed her eyes. “I’m trying to figure out how to bring this to you. Because… Because it’s clear to me you don’t want to hear it.”
Relationships: Aithusa & Gwen (Merlin), Gwen & Merlin (Merlin)
Series: The Once and Future Queen [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2093271
Comments: 12
Kudos: 34
Collections: Gwen Fest





	Into the Unknown

**Author's Note:**

> This is technically a sort of sequel to How to Tame a Queen (and a part of my post-canon au series), but since I wanted to write something for the Gwen Fest I made sure it was pretty clear as a stand alone fic. However, if you want to understand the details more I would advice to read part 1 first.
> 
> **For Week 1 of the[Gwen Fest](https://gwenfest.tumblr.com/): Canon Era: Post-Canon.**
> 
> This was written in a few hours, I'm sorry. And How to Tame a Queen was also not my favourite piece of writing, but I do really like them and I hope you will enjoy it,,,
> 
> Thank you Jan for the beta read <3

The coldness of the early morning sent a chill up her spine. The room was still dark and Gwen was standing in front of her mirror, looking at the shadowy version of herself. It felt like the real her. Ever since losing Arthur, her nights were short. It was hard sleeping in that big bed alone, the memories of how it used to be—filled with the warmth of the love of her life—weighed heavy on her heart. Though Gwen had not really been sleeping alone, it was not the same. She glanced back at the sleeping figure still in bed, a mop of ash black hair sticking out of the comforter. Merlin’s presence kept her warm at night, but it did not make her heart any less heavy. And so here Gwen was, awake, and looking at her dim reflection in the mirror.

Something had changed. Was it because she _knew_ now, or did it happen overnight? Gwen sighed, and slowly put her hand on the bump that had seemed to pop out overnight. She was pregnant. She was going to be a mother. _Arthur was dead_. The child would grow up without his father.

“It’s going to be just the two of us. I’m sorry,” she whispered.

Her hand slightly pinched the fabric around her belly. She tried to keep the tears at bay. Gwen had done that a lot these past few months… There was anger in that slight clench of her hand. Gwen had practically grown up without a mother. Arthur had grown up without a mother. And now, their child would grow up without a father. Fate had a twisted way of doing things.

A hand joined hers over her belly. She hadn’t heard Merlin wake up. Had it been someone else, she would have startled she thinks.

“You’re not alone, Gwen.” Merlin whispered the words with his lips grazing the top of her head. Like they would seep inside her head and she would finally, _truly_ , believe them.

It was like something cracked inside of her. Gwen let the tears break free. Her chest heaved with the force of her tears. She let Merlin embrace her, burrowing in his strong arms, where she always felt safe. _But still sad_. It felt like all the tears she had not let herself poor these last months were bent on leaving her body now.

She clutched onto her friend. “I’m scared, Merlin.”

He didn’t say anything, just held her through her tears. The warmth embracing her reminded her that she was not alone, but it was getting increasingly harder to believe in that. Everyday she’d put on a brave face and enjoyed the company of the friends she had left. But the added weight in her belly reminded her of things she’d tried to put behind walls. Being strong was tiring, and it felt like there was a lifetime of repressed breaking that Gwen had to catch up to... When her tears subsided and she had calmed down, Merlin guided her back to her— _their_ —bed and held her until she fell asleep again.

* * *

The royal gardens had always been beautiful, and a peaceful retrieve as nobody else really visited them as she did. Now, Gwen thought they held even more beauty, as the white small—but not really—white dragon curled itself upon the grass. It hadn’t been easy to inform the palace workers to adjust to the dragon, but Gwen had insisted she was able to stay here. Aithusa had saved her life when they’d been attacked during their return from a political visit a few days ago. Gwen sighed and placed a hand on her belly, remembering how Aithusa had been the one to sense her denying pregnancy. Even with Merlin’s explanation of the mind having a strong effect on the body, Gwen had still had a hard time believing she was pregnant. How could she not have noticed this? Was this not already the sign of a bad mother?

As if Aithusa could hear her worrying, the dragon skipped closer to her, encircling her body and _purring_. Gwen’s body relaxed from her worrying thoughts and smiled at the dragon. She had wanted to hate the creature so much, but the dragon had been drawn to her instantly and Gwen had had a hard time working against that pull. It had actually been easy to understand the dragon better. Gwen knew about what she’d gone through with Morgana, and Merlin had told her about the lack of guidance he had provided her. Aithusa was simply craving attention and love, maybe even _motherly_ love, Gwen realised with a pang. It was not hard to imagine why the dragon had latched on to a lonely Morgana; two lost souls, with only each other to rely on… Hopefully here, she would be able to find comfort and a home now.

“Remember, you can only use the gardens for now. Or fly out to the clearing and the forest, like Merlin showed you. We’ll work on getting the people to accept you, but we can’t rush it. Is that alright?”

“ _Yes_ ,” sounded the voice inside her head. Gwen was still getting used to that, but it was pretty neat.

“Good girl.”

“You really can hear her, huh?”

Gwen turned to find Merlin behind her, looking over curiously. Merlin still found it strange that she was able to hear Aithusa, it seems. He claimed only people born with magic were able to. He was obviously wrong. And Gwen didn’t really care to ponder over it…

“Come, let’s eat lunch. I asked it to be brought here,” she said. She gestured at the servants behind Merlin, who were waiting calmly in the back, so as to not disturb them. They sat the picnic down, Aithusa waiting a distance away, before joining them when the servants were done and gone.

* * *

The touch of the rose petal was soft under her fingers. Her maidservant, Lily, would once again not have to renew her flowers today. Gwen had enjoyed getting back to one of her favourite pastimes as a peasant. Tending to flowers, gifting flowers, simply _watching_ flowers. As she admired her healthy bouquet of roses, she noticed someone else watching. Merlin was pretending to look over some papers, but he wasn’t really. Gwen had noticed he’d been watching her lately, _studying…_ What he hoped to find, she did not know. But she was long accustomed to her friend’s strangeness. Though now that she knew about the magic, really he shouldn't be acting like _that_.

“What is it, Merlin? Do I have a gigantic stain on my dress, is that it?”

He lets out a quiet chuckle, his eyes fixed on the ground now. When his face turned serious again, he fixed her eyes. “I’m trying to figure out how to bring this to you. Because… Because it’s clear to me you don’t want to hear it.”

Gwen frowned. “You know you can talk freely with me, Merlin.”

“It’s about Aithusa.” Gwen grew only more confused. Aithusa and her had only been growing closer these last few weeks. There was nothing concerning their little dragon that would upset Gwen. “About your bond with her,” Merlin continued. “About the magic.”

Gwen sighed and turned back to her petals. They were so soft. “Merlin, I know you're confused about it all, but it’s really not that big of a deal. Let it go.”

He came to stand next to her. “You’re so good at this.”

“At what?” She didn’t look up at him.

“Being in control. You would’ve made such a better sorcerer for this prophecy.” He lets out a bitter kind of chuckle.

She grinned her teeth and looked up at his stare. “You know I don’t like to play these games. Speak plainly.”

“Fine. You have magic, Gwen.”

She rolled her eyes and snorted. “I think I would have noticed, Merlin.”

“I also thought it was strange, you should've shown signs by now. Morgana came into her power late, but she had been having nightmares way before it.”

Gwen reluctantly moved away from her flowers, she wanted this conversation to be over, she didn't understand the point of it. But Merlin, of course, continued.

“Morgana’s mind was troubled, scared. So that’s why her magic stayed dormant and why it manifested itself so explosively. But you,” He followed her to the table, standing behind her. Gwen gripped the stool in front of her hard. Her body felt hot all of a sudden.

“You, you’re in control,” he continued. “Always have been. _The mind is a powerful place_. I think you were able to control it, because you needed to protect yourself. But it’s to my belief that magic always finds an outlet.”

Gwen turned to Merlin then, ready to stop his madness talk, when she saw the rose in his hand. It was dead, withering. “What did you do?” she exclaimed, a little on edge. Irritated, she snatched—not so kindly—the rose back from Merlin. The rose bloomed back to life infront of her eyes.

Gwen gulped and looked up at Merlin. “Why did you do that,” she whispered.

“I didn’t do anything, Gwen. These flowers have been dead for a week.”

Dead.

_For a week._

Her head turned and the room spinned, and before she knew it, she was retching into the chamber pot.

* * *

They were sitting on the bed together, after Gaius had given her a potion to calm her pregnancy nauseas. Though the only nauseas she’d had, had been caused by...unsettling events. A dragon burning a man right in front of her, her closest friend telling her she had magic… _Magic_. Though she had been the one to revoke the ban on magic, and had essentially made her peace with the practice, saying she had it herself was entirely something else. The thing that could’ve, and almost had on multiple occasions, endangered her life. Attacks, accusations, Gwen had been through it all. Being accused of magic had almost gotten her killed, _had_ gotten her father killed. And now here Merlin was, telling her the impossible.

“Maybe…” she bit her bottom lip. “Maybe it’s the baby? You said Arthur was born because of magic. Maybe—”

“It’s not the baby, Guinevere. I thought about it, I checked, it’s not.”

Her whole body sagged against the pillows and she sighed. "Merlin. I can’t do magic, this is madness. I haven’t casted any spells on those flowers! I’ve just... _tended to them_.”

“I understand your confusion, I thought it was strange too. I've never seen anything like it. It’s not as much that you have magic, like me...and Morgana and such. But you’re sensitive to the magic of this world, I think. But there is so much we don’t know about magic, so much knowledge that has been lost. I talked to some druid elders, who told me about times before the great purge where they would share knowledge with traders, moors, travellers… They said we were ignorant to think that our way of understanding and wielding magic was the only one in the world. They told me stories of Moors women that would have a particular affinity for healing. They didn’t cast magic spells like we know them. It’s hard to explain, I’m not sure I get it yet myself. But they would call upon the power of the earth or water and then with their _touch..._ Their touch mixed with their remedies, it worked wonders. Liked they’d been blessed with a magic touch.”

This just made Gwen more angry. If she was like these healers, then where was that magic touch when her mother, her father, her brother, were _dying_. Control, Merlin had mentioned. Her whole life, Gwen had taught herself to stay in the shadows. Be a quiet, good servant girl, and nothing too dangerous could happen to you. Had her need for control and safety ultimately been her doom?

Merlin softly took her hands who were clutching the sheets into his. “I know what you’re thinking. But if you want someone to blame, blame Uther. Blame the power hungry people who started this battle before we were even born. There is so much they took from us, us not knowing is _not_ our fault.”

There was a pressure building in her chest and she had a hard time releasing it. Blaming someone else? It was not something she had been taught. Even when her brother ran from home, she was angry at him, but she had also blamed herself. When her father died, she was angry at Uther, but she blamed herself for making her father believe somehow that she wanted more out of life… Anger and blame were two emotions she had always separated. But now, her body felt like it was ready to burst with something. She had no tears left to cry, but there was something else trying to escape her body. Gwen clenched her hands again. She’d forgotten they were holding Merlin’s, but he only clenched gently back.

She closed her eyes shut, breathed in, breathed out and… _she let it out_.

She screamed, releasing it all.

 _Anger_.

So much anger.

And blame. But the blame was not for her this time. The blame was for Uther, who was so full of hate, full of manipulation and entitlement. For power hungry sorcerers, for Gods who cared more about their power than their people. 

When she opened her eyes again—feeling empty but good that she was finally releasing this—there was a pair of big blue globes looking down at her. Gwen let out a breathy chuckle. “What are you doing inside, you silly thing?”

Aithusa simply laid her head on Gwen’s lap.

“She seems to be really in tune with you,” Merlin said.

They both petted Aithusa’s head and she purred. Then he turned to the commotion at the door—Gwen hadn’t even noticed them—and dismissed them. Everyone left, except for Sir Leon. He looked stiff standing there with his hand still resting on the pommel of his sword.

“Come in,” Gwen smiled. “I know you want to.”

It made Leon frown (more), but he stepped a little closer inside. Slowly. Leon had had a hard time adjusting to Aithusa. She thinks Arthur would be pleased to know she had two overprotective friends looking after her.

Leon finally came further into the room and sat on the bed. He sat close to Merlin, _furthest he could away from Aithusa._

He sighed. “Are you alright?”

Gwen smiled at him, took one of his hands and squeezed it gently. “Not really. But I will be.”


End file.
